A Mother’s Prayer for Its Child

A Mother’s Prayer for Its Child


“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.”

-Tina Fey

Bless you Tina Fey, AMEN to that!!

weaned.

My baby boy has officially weaned himself. I tried to do it on my schedule, and he wasn't having it, but he is now finished on his terms! Lesson learned: this little guy is going to do things his way! It is bittersweet, surprisingly, but my little guy is growing up and as much as I don't want to see him grow so fast, it is amazing to see him grow into a sweet little boy! I'll miss our time together but we'll have to find something else to do so we can spend those few moments together everyday.

just the two of us

Life has been busy. I don't even really have anything to show for all this time that has flown by, well maybe a brand spankin' new bathroom that looks freaking awesome, but other than that I think life is just rushing past and we're along for the ride.

For the first time in months (?), I had 24 hours of just me and my guy. We dropped the kids off with my parents and took off to do infinate errands. It was sooo overdue.

We just hung out, ran around in the unmarked white van, picked out stuff for the bathroom, went grocery shopping, sang ridiculously off key to ridiculous songs, took an unexpected roadtrip out of town to a store that was just "5 minutes away". To finish the day we prettied ourselves up and went for a fancy schmancy dinner, although we still felt somebody would come over at any moment and escort us back to Montana's where we belong. We had a grown up dinner with adult conversation (maybe...) and wine, manners, the whole fam damily. It was awesome. From there we ditched our movie plans for some stand up comedy. I've gone to stand up more in the past month than I have ever gone, but what a good time- getting drunk and laughing your ass off! Needless to say the rest of the evening was faaaaantastic and we slept in, and then slept in again, cooked breakfast together and sat in peace and talked. Yeah we did, for real. We were like, single, you know- those couples who have no children? Yes, they are single. That was us this morning. In about 20 minutes however, we will have 2 children again, and go back to the craziness that is the most fantastic and enjoyable times of our life. The real stuff- Saturday dance parties, apples and cheese, ball popper action, and gorgeous little faces who think we are the coooolest people on the planet.

Our time out refreshed us, and we're jumping back into real life. It was nice to pretend, for a day :) We are pretty awesome together.

Ringing in the New Year

2011 is days away and I've been thinking about what I'd like to accomplish throughout the year. I love a new year, it is, in ways, a fresh start.

I am going back to school in January. Two courses, continuing on from where I began in 2006. I was lucky enough to have all my credits transfer to Mount Royal, and I think that just adds to my enthusiasm- knowing that those courses I did long ago do amount to something. I am starting slow, and with subjects that capture my interest in a general way. I will have to get into some things that I'm not too fond of in September- those being chemistry and some beginner biology to freshen up on those subjects. My ultimate goal is to some day be a midwife. I can't see that being something that would be possible while having young children so it is a long-term dream. I will have plenty enough time to get caught up in pre-requisites, volunteer and anything that may help me get into midwifery school down the road. One thing that I will do in the short-term is complete a doula training course and start getting involved with birth! I think over time the experience of being around birth will be more knowledge gained than would be learned in any classroom. This is something I am passionate about, interested in, and feel like I will grow with.

In other aspects of my life...I am still getting used to living in a new city. It is tough, and at times draining just to keep up with keeping doors open and meeting new people. But all in all, this has been a very good decision for our family, and things are certainly going up and forward!

I think it is an eye-opening experience to create so much change for yourself, and for your family. You can easily determine which friendships are strong, and which will not make it. What strengths and weaknesses you have as an individual, as a couple, and as a family. You see things for what they were, what they are, and the potential they have for later on. Certain things will leave your life, while others blossom, and ultimately when one door closes, another will open.

I am learning to be accepting of new situations, new people, and change. I make a conscious effort to let negative thoughts of judgement, resentment, envy- amongst others- to roll off, and to not let myself get sucked into to the sad but true "misery loves company". One of the most powerful pieces of advice I have ever been given in my life was simply, "let people change". How true it is. We can only hope that in all the change that happens every day, we have strong enough connections with people to make it through to what comes next for both of us.

Another thing that has stuck with me- "everybody has a story". Not everybody has someone to listen. So, listen.

I don't have everything sorted out by any means, but I notice year by year I can put the pieces together, and the pieces usually build something that makes sense at some point or another.

For this new year approaching, 2011, I want to surround myself with positive, uplifting people who I can appreciate on their best day, and love on their worst day. I want to move forward with new friends, and stay connected with old ones. I want to let some people go, and hope to see them again somewhere down the road. I want to learn, grow, laugh, and make the best out of the good times and have hope during the worst times. I want to be authentic in all aspects of my life, and to support others in the same way.

I wish you all the very, very, very best for the new year. I hope you all find what you are setting out for, and enjoy the journey getting there!

Happy New Year!

Winter Escape

I am planning a trip for us. By "us" I mean, Jon and I, or all of us...I am undecided! We are thinking Mexico, Cuba or Dominican Republic. Any thoughts? All-inclusive seems like a good way to go, especially since what you pay upfront is what you pay. That makes budgeting simple and stress-free. If we were to bring the kids, Jack is free. That is awesome, plus he is at a good age to hang out on the beach and play in the sand (or eat it), and loves to swim. Julia would absolutely love it, and there are usually kids clubs for kids her age. If only Jon and I were to go it would be a great week for the 2 of us to relax and have some peace and quiet...but I do think I would be wishing we took the kids with us once we got there- well, maybe after a day or two of rest! We have the advantage of being able to go last minute with Jon's work so I am wondering if we should wait for a slow work period and then just book and go. Anyway, I am mostly looking for opinions on where to go...please offer any thoughts or experiences with or without kids!

Facebook and our kids

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I'm beginning to wonder if I should be posting photos, status updates, notes, and videos of my children on Facebook. If it is posted on Facebook it is an online footprint of their existence and they don't even get a say in it. All their milestones, photos (although I don't post anything that would be inappropriate or that I think they would ever be embarrassed about), accomplishments...it just seems like although I want to share with family and [close] friends, all these things really are private and belong to them. 20 years ago when I was 3 years old all of these things were only shared among family and friends through letters with photos included or phone calls. There was no e-mail, no Facebook, no social networks, no internet. My childhood is documented with pictures, the odd video, and by stories told by my family, also a journal my mom kept for me. But the rest is by memory. My children could have every minute of their lives documented if I so chose to do that....which is a little bit scary. Especially when it can be exposed to the whole world. Facebook owns every single thing that is posted on their site. This information will be available to anyone who wants and will pay for it. By putting our full names on social networks such as Facebook we are exposing everything that is available there. Some of it can even be out of our control! If someone posts pictures of you without your consent that photo belongs to facebook, and all it needs is an "unofficial" tag (i.e. you "untag" yourself but they can still "tag" you without linking it to your personal facebook page), that picture is property of Facebook and can be viewed with an association to you. Scary stuff. But mostly, I don't want to be putting my children out there without them having any say in how they could possibly be viewed later in life. It can seem so private when you change your privacy settings, but really this is just a false sense of security. This stuff can come back to haunt anyone, at any point in their lives. If social networking has become this big already, imagine what it will be when our children are grown, even the children that haven't even been born, let alone thought of, could have access to everything you are putting on Facebook today. I don't want to be over the top in either direction...but these are things to think about.

Society is evolving at a fast pace, and in an unknown direction. Are we ready to face what implications this might have on us and our children in the future? I'm questioning how easily I put things online. It is a tough decision for me to take my kids off Facebook for a couple of reasons. The first being that I use the photo albums as a way to store photos in an organized fashion so that friends and family can view them. If anything were ever to happen to my computer, the printed photos, or our external hard drive, I would have copies on Facebook. I know there are other options for this, but so far this is the easiest way and it is also a great tool to provide updates both in photo form, milestones, stories, etc. It works, other than the fact that all of this information belongs to Facebook. I have another blog (jackandjuju.blogspot.com) that is all about my kids and our life, but I have already decided to make that private. I'm looking into the best way to achieve that, hopefully there is a server somewhere that allows for a simple password to be entered rather than to have to "sign in" and be invited to the blog. I'll keep the followers of Jack and Juju posted.

This is big stuff, and we all need to be thinking about it. Everything is permanent now, everything online that is. At what point are we going too far, and at what point are we just going with the flow of society? We don't want to shelter our children too much, but we don't want to throw them into the madness either.

What are all of your thoughts on Facebook and your kids (or future kids)?

Caffeine gets the boot.

I am generally an anxious person, always have been, and always will be. It takes a lot of positive energy and thought to keep it under control and manageable for myself but I've learned a lot over the years about how my body works and how to keep myself level.

Caffeine is a trigger for me, a huge trigger. Most people can drink coffee and feel great, its a boost of energy and perks you right up so you're ready to conquer whatever is in front of you. I am not one of those people. I will actually suffer from anxiety attacks as a result of one coffee.

I love the taste of coffee, I love the energy boost first thing in the morning when I'm up at 7 am with a VERY awake baby, and I especially love a latte for a treat once in awhile. Sadly, it is just not worth it for me.

After many, many attempts at trying to convince myself I can consume my buzzing goodness without any issue, I am officially giving it the boot out of my life. I'll have the occasional small piece of chocolate, but unfortunately I'm so sensitive to caffeine that more than that can bother me!

So now I ask myself why I have been putting myself through insane anxiety every time I consume caffeine. Glad those days are now behind me. Hello Rooibos tea!