A Mother’s Prayer for Its Child

A Mother’s Prayer for Its Child


“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.”

-Tina Fey

Bless you Tina Fey, AMEN to that!!

weaned.

My baby boy has officially weaned himself. I tried to do it on my schedule, and he wasn't having it, but he is now finished on his terms! Lesson learned: this little guy is going to do things his way! It is bittersweet, surprisingly, but my little guy is growing up and as much as I don't want to see him grow so fast, it is amazing to see him grow into a sweet little boy! I'll miss our time together but we'll have to find something else to do so we can spend those few moments together everyday.

just the two of us

Life has been busy. I don't even really have anything to show for all this time that has flown by, well maybe a brand spankin' new bathroom that looks freaking awesome, but other than that I think life is just rushing past and we're along for the ride.

For the first time in months (?), I had 24 hours of just me and my guy. We dropped the kids off with my parents and took off to do infinate errands. It was sooo overdue.

We just hung out, ran around in the unmarked white van, picked out stuff for the bathroom, went grocery shopping, sang ridiculously off key to ridiculous songs, took an unexpected roadtrip out of town to a store that was just "5 minutes away". To finish the day we prettied ourselves up and went for a fancy schmancy dinner, although we still felt somebody would come over at any moment and escort us back to Montana's where we belong. We had a grown up dinner with adult conversation (maybe...) and wine, manners, the whole fam damily. It was awesome. From there we ditched our movie plans for some stand up comedy. I've gone to stand up more in the past month than I have ever gone, but what a good time- getting drunk and laughing your ass off! Needless to say the rest of the evening was faaaaantastic and we slept in, and then slept in again, cooked breakfast together and sat in peace and talked. Yeah we did, for real. We were like, single, you know- those couples who have no children? Yes, they are single. That was us this morning. In about 20 minutes however, we will have 2 children again, and go back to the craziness that is the most fantastic and enjoyable times of our life. The real stuff- Saturday dance parties, apples and cheese, ball popper action, and gorgeous little faces who think we are the coooolest people on the planet.

Our time out refreshed us, and we're jumping back into real life. It was nice to pretend, for a day :) We are pretty awesome together.